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Eurobeat scores nil points for performance

Sir Tel himself sets the tone with an ironic cameo, after which it maximum glitz, noise and vulgarity all the way.

The hosts patter is pretty good, with Giedroyc a bit of a revelation as a multilingual pole vaulter turned TV presenter, all high octane chihuahua laugh and libidinous self regard. The music, on the other hand, is a real disappointment. It fine for the numbers to be trashy and clich ridden but they should ideally be memorable. That not the case here, with the ten national acts including a woeful Bjrk take off and a melody free Abba pastiche. So it nul points for the songs, then.

Audience participation is at the heart of the evening. Spectators are allotted a country to cheer for on arrival and text their votes to decide the winner: this is one occasion when you are positively urged to keep your mobile phone on in a theatre. The result is coordinated nationalistic hysteria and flag waving on a scale rarely seen outside the confines of a fascist rally.

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